SweetCheeks' Psyche

I see Cupcakes dancing in my head...

2007-10-09T17:24:00.000-04:00

Cupcakes, cupcakes EVERYWHERE! I just got a recipe from a friend who wants me to make him Guiness BEER cupcakes. And Skipperdee just sent me a link for a restaurant here in NYC that makes Macha Green Tea cupcakes (restaurant name: BarFry).
In college my specialty was massages--apparently I gave great back massages. That was almost 10 (did I say TEN?) years ago. My new specialty is cupcakes. And, the funny part is, I only JUST learned how to make a cupcake from scratch (Vegan at that). My cupcakes are always (except for the Vegan variety) of the boxed kind. I just like to experiment with flavorings. I made a mint chocolate chip cupcake for my Dear Sweet. First time--peppermint extract, second time--pure mint extract. I think the pure mint was a better fit to the chocolate chip. Peppermint would be good for a Christmasy themed cupcake. But now I want to experiment with making cupcakes from scratch. But that takes time and patience--both of which I have none. I'll load up some pics of my cupcakes the next time I make them.
(I'm going to attempt some form of a S'mores cupcake--chocolate cupcake, fluff frosting, graham cracker topping)???

Rock, paper, scissors...all shatter like glass...

2007-08-12T11:26:00.000-04:00

No relationship is safe from crashing and burning up in flames. Friendships, supposedly rock solid, crumble like plaster. Hot romances fizzle like flat soda. Family take each other for granted and create everlasting wounds. No relationship is protected. There is no rock solid. Rock breaks scissors. Scissors cut paper. Paper covers rock.More like hammer shatters rock. "We are invincible" Pat Benatar once sang.Not when emotions are involved. Ego. Misunderstandings. Alcohol. Mental breakdowns.Everything happens for a reason. Tests of strength. I'm weak. Okay? Strength tested, and I failed. Are we done now?

Where have I been?

2007-07-31T14:30:00.000-04:00

It has been more than ONE YEAR since I last posted. Where have I been, you ask? I've been on an emotional roller-coaster, and have finally settled nicely with a new therapist and (hopefully) a new look on my life. I won't post anymore today (hehehe, you people are thinking--this woman will not post anything for another year), but I'm at work, and want to have some time to write about what's been going on...but I promise...(to myself) That I will post more often. Writing is my catharsis...and I need to have more peace in my life. ;D

I'm hungwy...

2006-04-19T13:49:00.000-04:00

Why am I always so freakin' hungry??? I drink water and green tea like it's my job...I'm trying to eat like 5 times a day and more protein and less carbs & fat...but I am still ALWAYS hungry...And I never know what I want to eat. Like I could probably go for some Buffalo wings or a nice juicy cheeseburger...but Buffalo wings are fried, and I've eaten way too much beef on this birthday week of mine...

Yes, that's right I am now officially 26. Feel like I'm 36. Skipperdee feels like she's 6, and Moo feels like she's 56. We make a good blend of friends don't we?

I got a free tarot card reading yesterday for my birthday from www.tarot.com. MY "subject" was my future...

Self: The Star
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING You are coming to understand who you truly are.The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now. The Star suggests that you are receiving information from your higher self about the reason you incarnated this lifetime. This is a profound experience. As we touch our greater self, the eternal aspect, our personal lives come into perspective. The feeling of being a stranger in a strange land vanishes. Great joy is inherent in this card's placement. You are consciously on the way home in a spiritual sense, no longer flailing in the dark.

Situation: Knight of Wands
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING Support a renewed sense of adventure that moves toward a vision, even in the face of more realistic viewpoints about the probable outcome.The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time. When the Knight of Wands (in some decks, a Prince) is in this position, someone in your environment may be venturing into their dream. The situation may feel both poignant and bittersweet to you. You realize how joyful and important an occasion it is. Still, you see how likely it is that the shiny new armor will soon be dented, the husky horse become tired, and the enthusiasm of new adventures tempered by a few difficult trials. Virginal innocence has not yet met an adversary and that's a beautiful thing. It deserves to be celebrated and supported no matter how more seasoned eyes envision the eventual outcome.

Challenges/ Opportunities: Queen of Swords
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING Champion your own needs; put some distance between yourself and those who would hamper your progress.The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones. With the Queen of Swords in this position, improve your ability to balance your needs against the pressures of other people's expectations. To turn this challenge into an opportunity, develop some enthusiasm for spending more time with yourself, making the pivotal decisions in your own life, and living directly with the consequences of your choices. Become your own best advocate. To help you accomplish this goal, shorten the list of people and circumstances that have the power to distract you or divert your energy. Define your boundaries. State your goals. Start acting on your own behalf.

Foundation: Nine of Cups
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING Knowing that the world is benevolent towards you provides a feeling of optimism and security.The card in the Foundation position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background. The Nine of Cups in this position suggests that you have learned to embrace the point of view that we live in an abundant universe. This somewhat rare foundation is a priceless resource, a gift from your elders, as it were. It could also be the result of appropriate choices you've made, ones that truly supported you emotionally and psychically. Real feelings of security do not depend on outer circumstances. They come from your heart's realization that you are loved, wanted and taken care of. The world itself is positively disposed towards you and supports your success. These qualities and gifts provide a solid foundation to your personality that a lot of people simply don't have.

Recent Past: King of Cups
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING Let your longing for peace draw you into a search for deeper meaning.The card in the Recent Past position refers to events that are just departing, recently influential but now diminishing in power. The King of Cups in this position indicates that you have crossed paths with and been touched by a mentor well versed in the art of living. That person's energy field taught you, perhaps without words, to perceive and develop intuition and generosity. You have had an inspiring model of emotional stability you can now begin to reproduce in your own life. Don't let this memory slip away without contemplating and replaying it over and over again. Cultivate a desire for that state of being and surrender to it, so that you will be moved to make yourself and the world better.

Higher Power: Three of Swords
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING Be fully aware of personal boundaries and concentrate on your own objectives.The card in the Higher Power position reflects the broader perspective and influence of your conscience, Guardian Angel, inner wisdom. When the Three of Swords lands in this position, you are being asked to discriminate between what is yours and what belongs to others. What feelings, values, beliefs and emotional patterns are yours to work on? The lesson here is to respect your own boundaries and not invade others' space. Learn to keep your energy clear; and speak your truth without condemning or judging. Resist thinking that you know better about anyone else's situation. Become more self-sufficient. As you become your own best teammate, focus your brilliance on your own mission. Concentrate on the things that are your business and your assignment, accept less interference from others, and do less interfering.

Near Future: Wheel of Fortune
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING Change is inevitable, but you don't yet know what form it will take. Take stock of the few things that really matter and focus on stabilizing that.The card in the Near Future position indicates which way the wind is blowing with regard to your situation. If you follow the Advice card, however, you can improve on or neutralize tendencies. With the Wheel of Fortune in this position, new information or a new development will enter the scene and change the odds. Maybe an oracle could predict the outcome, but all you might feel at the moment is the hair rising on the back of your neck, or a sense that the surface calm masks some deep and permanent change. When you get that feeling, pull yourself in toward the hub of the wheel, the center of your being. Study the situation and use practical knowledge from past experience to help you understand what these circumstances portend. Once you have searched your memory banks, if there is a basis for hope, you will recall it. If there is a basis for concern, you will recognize what you are dealing with and prepare for it.

Blocks & Inhibitions: Ace of Wands
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING Use your imagination and the power of desire to rouse you to create change.The card in the Blocks position points to self-undermining tendencies, areas where you could be in denial, where you could get stuck -- unless you examine yourself and make some corrections. When the Ace of Wands falls in this position, there is a dangerous habit of deferring your self-will to the stronger will of others. As a result you lose track of what your own real purpose is. Use your imagination to create a dream scenario and feel it passionately. If this is difficult for you, it's because you have been neglecting this exercise too long. Without the ability to fully define and feel your own personal desires, you won't be fired up enough to achieve them. Get animated so you can create change.

Allies: Page of Coins
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING Explore the wisdom of tradition and learn from the masters in your area of concern.The card in the Allies position points to people who can be supportive or helpful to you at this time. In this position, the Page of Coins (in some decks, a Princess) suggests that when the student is ready, the master appears. Perhaps in your case the teacher appears in the form of a book or a manuscript that is centuries old. A living role model is not absolutely necessary, but we need to perceive and utilize the traditions and founding fathers of our craft as allies, a support structure for our development. Study your masters, be a good student, and take refuge in traditional wisdom.

Advice: Four of Cups
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING Change the circumstances that have brought you to a standstill. Rouse yourself from the doldrums.The card in the Advice position suggests a course of action which will harmonize what you want with what is currently possible. The Four of Cups in this position wants you to take a clear look at how stalled or distracted you have become. You may have been bogged down in negativity, hopelessness or a sense of limitation. It is not to your advantage, however, to see the world through such a narrow lens. Cut through some of the forces that undermine you, causing you to feel incapable. Sometimes you have to define what you are "for" by defining what you are "against." Decide that you are not leaden as is the cup of earth, not placid as is the cup of water, not turbulent as is the cup of air. Rather, now may be the time to be as aroused as the cup of fire. Getting fired up can be your ticket to liberation from the doldrums.

Long-term Potential: Death
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING You are not tempted to return to the patterns of the past; you are truly prepared to move on.The card in the Long-term Potential position points to unknowns still taking shape. It is the "wild card" yet to be played. The Death card in this position points to the potential of severing a long-standing attachment that has repeatedly held you back, even when you swore you were truly done with it. At this point your confidence is focused enough so that you are no longer willing to repeat the old patterns. Now you know you can cut the cords and free yourself. Mixed with a natural trepidation, there is tremendous feeling of optimism. You are on the verge of experiencing and accomplishing great things. As the glimmer of the future grows brighter, and you are willing to leave the past behind to pursue that light. You will feel much better when you finally cut the ties that bind.

Finally ordered from Zen Palate...couldn't think of anything else that was healthy and that I was craving...

OCD and Me

2006-03-23T15:16:00.000-05:00

Okay...I'm back...back from the depths of complete and utter OCD hell that was my wedding. Yes, I know, I've been back for about two months. What's your point? Being a working wife, sister, friend, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, self...is quite time-consuming.

I'll update you on my wedding. to my dear sweet. It was fantabulous. We had such a fantastic time! It almost erased all the hell I went through prior to the day (or prior to each event, I should say, as, although each event was wonderful...beforehand was stress city). Yes, I am Indian--this is why we have more than one occasion. In fact we had five days of fun-filled activities! Dear sweet partied like it was 1999! (We weren't together in 1999--so I'm guessing this is how he partied back then). And all of our friends, including Moo and Skipperdee, were there to join in the rollicking good fun.

I can't express how it felt to have pretty much all my favorite people all in one place to help Dear Sweet and I celebrate (and some people who r not my favorite...but we've blocked them out from memory). Moo, Skipperdee, Bear...and all my cousins and Dear Sweet's family and friends. Thank u for making my wedding week filled with so much love and excitement and fun! I love u all.

Okay...gotta bust out now if I need to get out of work early...I'm going to try and write more (hehehehe...see u in two months)....maybe I'll post some pics too...we'll see!

Update

2005-11-04T12:14:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. I'm a bad blogger. I don't write for months, then type up a full 10 page report to make up for it. It's just been a looooooong, insane couple of months. But I know--it's no excuse.

So let me catch you up on the last 5 months. KBOAM got married. It was quite hectic there right before...but it was a beautiful wedding and we had tons o' fun. The whole summer was spent working on my wedding to my dear sweet, and running around stretching ourselves crazy to keep our families (and their stupid friends) happy. Then it was off to Vegas for work, and back home again. One week later I left for another trip (this time for a month and a half) to work on my wedding plans/clothes and get some work done as well). Just got back a few weeks ago. And still not feeling settled. I've started working with a trainer (cuz I worked off only a minor 8 pounds during the summer...but couldnt quite get the rest off). I hurt...a lot. Can't even sit down properly. it sucks.

The stretchmark on my blank existence

2005-06-06T19:29:00.000-04:00

Oh wow--I had so much to say just now, and went completely blank as I was waiting for the page to load up (5 seconds).

How sad is that? I started this blog on June 6th. It's now June 23rd. And I've gone blank...again.

I had a lot to say a few minutes ago...hold on, gimme a few seconds...........................

Well I went to the doctor today, for an annual physical. She told me I was at a perfect weight for my height (which she told me was 5'4 1/2"--the first time nay doctor since I turned 18 has told me that my actual height is 5'4 1/2"--which is how tall I am. All my other doctors have told me I'm 5'3". This never made any sense because my Mom is 5'3", and I'm definitely taller then her.) My Dad said--"Well, your doctor is not your Mom." (so true). I did lose two more pounds in the last two weeks. But, alas, my Mom won't care until she sees a difference.

Anyway...all this, and I found a tiny pink beginning of a stretchmark on one of my lovehandles. Fabulous.

And the doctor said no breakfast before our appointment this morning. My appointment was at 11am. It is now 1:45pm. I still haven't eaten. I'm waiting for my Dad to get off the phone to figure out what he wants to eat. (sigh). And I don't want to be rude.

I've become one of those people who checks her email (outlook / incredimail) every two seconds...whether it shows there's a message or not. It's some deep rooted need to feel important or wanted or something. I don't know.

Wanna hear something weird? Well if you don't want to know, don't read the next few lines.
My best friend, KBOAM, is getting married in a few weeks. We're throwing her bachelorette party this weekend. So I thought it would be fun to get some funny and raunchy goodie bags for all the guests. I found a few things in a store near my work, but thought I'd have better luck at this newly advertised "adult store" somewhere near my house. But I cannot find this store online anywhere! Not google or citysearch or any other website! All I need are the directions. But there's no online existence of it anywhere. Like a phantom or something.

(Sigh)...

"i need for you to pray for me. Temptation. Bye!"~Moo

2005-06-03T11:46:00.000-04:00

"Boys are annoying...but cute...and damn them for being so cute."~Moo

Moo: he cut his hair off, sweetcheeks
SweetCheeks: what?
SweetCheeks: why?
Moo: *he's been talking about it for a while
SweetCheeks: so he just went and did it?
Moo: just because...
Moo: yep
Moo: saw it yesterday...he must've done it the night before
Moo: still cute
Moo: i just shook my head
Moo: no hair...still cute
Moo: a shame
SweetCheeks: dammit
SweetCheeks: so it's not just his looks that have tempted u ;)
Moo: oh no, not at all
SweetCheeks: hehehe
Moo: it's him
Moo: in all of is retardedness
Moo: and mean-ness
Moo: and nice-ness
SweetCheeks: that's generally what gets a girl
Moo: and annoying-ness
Moo: and back to retarded-ness

Moo and I had a deep conversation on the repercussions of temptation, and the battle of giving in and holding back. Unfortunately, that part of our IM got deleted by both of us before I could include it in my blog today.

Temptation--It's tough. And what makes it worse is that boys don't care either way. They want their cake, and they want to eat it too (I don't understand that saying either--how can u not eat cake if u have it?--But that's how boys feel about girls, I guess.) And they just don't say anything about their feelings either way. It's not their fault. It's just the way they are. But unfortunately, because of this, it causes many girls (notice, I said many, not all) to question themselves. Question their lovability. Their attractiveness. Their strength. They get depressed. And moody. (And in my case, very cranky). And it's not the boys' fault really (although we'd like to say it is). But what " aspect" about boys makes so many girls feel and behave this way? Even if, in our hearts, we know the boy loves us more than anything in this world, we still question. We still worry. We still get moody and depressed. We are just never happy (Notice how I swiftly switched from "they" and "them" to "we" and "us"...Yes, I am a member of the "My Man Loves Me...I Know He Loves Me...But I'm Emotionally Nuts Anyway" club.) Boys' "stoicness" (sp?) just confuses me. It confuses me because then you're never truly sure what exactly they are feeling inside...what is going on in their head. But here's another difference then: We emotional girls think and analyze way too much, and boys, again, are indifferent.

For Moo, "Friend" is not ready for any type of commitment...Shhhh (keep it on the DL). Although his actions say otherwise, and sway from here to there, his words stand firm.

For Me, Dear Sweet, is too sweet (what planet r u from, my dear sweet?), and says nothing. He's openly indifferent. "Whatever you want, babe" is his phrase of choice. I am a bloody-ass chatterbox. And he says nothing. He knows EVERY LAST DETAIL of my life from birth to present. I know as much as I ask him (and even then most of the time he still says nothing or makes a joke...) I guess I feel like a jerk compared to him, and that's possibly something else that bothers me a little. (Geez, this blog stuff is like self-therapy).

It's funny, for me, and I'm speaking on behalf of Moo (Moo yell at me if I'm wrong), before these boys, we were strong, confident women on the verge of figuring out our identities and who we wanted to be. Now, we're still strong (if we weren't we wouldn't be standing today) but the confidence level has dropped slightly. Our emotions are on an uncontrolled rise. We (at least I know I have) become this mushy, emotional basketcase. And I honestly can't blame Dear Sweet. I can't. He fell in love with the me before we were officially "together". He didn't ask me to change or to become an emotional crackpot. That just happened. And (according to my friends who have been in long term relationships, whether married or not) it will at some point get back to a version of how it was in the beginning. I'll still be emotional, but more confident in who I am. So I just have to give it time. Moo, I think that's what your mom is saying, as well.

Moo (2:25:41 PM): mom is so wise
Moo (2:25:46 PM): she just broke the whole thing down
Moo (2:26:01 PM): and told me to stop asking questions on why he's still around and just be
SweetCheeks (2:26:10 PM): good for her
Moo (2:26:46 PM): said that he feels the same way about me that i feel about him
Moo (2:26:51 PM): and she knows that for a fact
Moo (2:26:59 PM): and she said she's right and that's the end of it
Moo (2:27:19 PM): says that men just don't talk as much as we do
SweetCheeks (2:27:22 PM): yeh Mama Moo!
Moo (2:27:32 PM): and just cause he hasn't said it...doesn't mean that's not how he feels
Moo (2:27:36 PM): he's not ready
Moo (2:27:50 PM): but she said that this is just making me stronger
Moo (2:28:04 PM): and preparing me for someone that is my equal
Moo (2:28:27 PM): she said "it could be this man, it could be someone else...but stop asking all of these questions on why"
Moo (2:28:52 PM): and she told me to dig deeper with asking myself why do i think he *couldn't* love me
Moo (2:29:34 PM): she said he could be head over heels for you...why couldn't he? doesn't mean he's the one though, but don't limit yourself in thinking that he couldn't love you
Moo (2:29:39 PM): SO RIGHT!
Moo (2:29:46 PM): *PUMPS FIST IN AIR*
SweetCheeks (2:32:18 PM): YEH!
SweetCheeks (2:32:23 PM): Mama moo is right

I make for an excellent cheerleader, don't I?

"I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared... "

2005-05-31T10:38:00.000-04:00

(disclaimer: title quote taken from "Saved By the Bell", the episode where Jessie takes caffeine pills to keep with her busy schedule.)

Yes, it has been a long while since I last wrote. I've been away on an excursion to the East. On a mission to begin the 6 month headache that is "planning my wedding". Of course, only little time was spent doing so, as I was also there for work. Ah, work. Why wasn't I born with some super-talent like in a sport or music, or super luck to win the 80 million dollar jackpot? Or even some super brain that has brilliant ideas to get patented and make tons of money with? It's not that I don't like working. It's that I don't like the way my industry has turned. The people have no loyalty anymore. No feeling toward you, except that you are just one more company to squeeze as much money out of til ur bone dry. They believe that u were put on this earth to do only their bidding. I wish I could shake all of them and scream "I'm not ur bitch!!!" And being dependent on people sucks. Cuz people inevitably let u down...(out comes the cynic)...sigh...I let myself down everyday.

My Dad thinks I'm afraid of success. I think I'm afraid of failing. I've always been uber responsible, and although I flail about because of it, take the pressure as it comes. So success doesn't scare me at all. It's all the failing you have to do to get to it. It's like even if u work ur ass off, there's still a chance you'll fail. So what the point? Might as well not do it at all. And, although it's not my parents' fault, they have a lot to do with it. They spent my whole life trying to make sure I didn't have to struggle the way they did. I just had to work hard in school, and I'd get whatever I wanted. And bless them for caring for me so much. But I never had to struggle. I never had to fail to succeed. School was easy. Real life, on the other hand, is a whole different story. My parents have always been there to give me advice, opportunities, telling me things "for my own good". And they raised me right. Giving me knowledge , teaching me the difference between right and wrong, . But I never get the chance to figure out for myself "what's for my own good", I don't get a chance to make mistakes, because I am always told what to do "for my own good". I make a decision, whether I am right or wrong, an get told--that is wrong, do it this way. It's easier, it's simpler, less aggravation. And I understand--they do it out of love. They've been through it, and don't want me to have to. But then I grew this fear of being a failure. Because if I fail--I disappoint everyone, including myself. Because then I know, that I can't do it on my own. I need help. I've failed before. I've seen the disappointment in their eyes. In my own eyes. It's awful. And it hurts so much. I'm such a mess.

And being such a mess, I spent a better part of my last week arguing with my dear sweet that we've already become that boring old married couple. All we do is have dinner, watch TV, pass out on the couch, and then he or I (depending on whose parents' house we are at) get up and go home in a groggy and irritated state. And he always comes back with--it's cuz we live with our parents in the 'burbs. When we move back into da city, it'll be different. Will it be though? Or have we fallen into a routine now? Have we become so used to the way our lives now, will it change when we move back to da city? We're normally so tired from work, that we're exhausted throughout the day on the weekends. And yes, he's right. We will probably go out more on Saturday nights once we're back in da city. Because we'll be able to drink, and not have to drive a half an hour back home. But our living costs will go up too, won't they? Rent, cable/phone/internet bills, electricity/air conditioning, tolls (for him), metrocards (for me), taxis, groceries, etc., etc. So won't this discourage us from going out a lot, at least until we make our millions (or hit the jackpot, whatever comes first)? I'm so confused... I just don't want to be the boring old married couple. I want us to have fun. I want us to be silly. I want to us to do the things we won't get to do once we have kids. Travel (not for work), go to parties (and throw some of our own), go for long walks, take different classes, enjoy each other's company. Not work, eat and pass out next to each other. Although it's sweet, it's not a great way to spend you life.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just take things as they are? Why can't I be more like my dear sweet--more laid back, more "take care of the present, and wait til the future becomes the present to deal with it"? (here is where I take out my frustration with myself--Grrrrrrrrrrrr....)
What am I so afraid of really? Why am I so high strung? What the hell happened to my sense of humor? Why am I such a bloody girly girl? I used to be tough. Now I'm one big emotional basketcase.

Random thoughts floating through my menstrual mind while at my desk at work...

2005-04-20T15:18:00.000-04:00

did u know that if u place the big three hole punch on ur desk and continuously punch holes into a stack of about 10 to 15 sheets of paper at a time, u work out ur abs?

hormones are mean.

how sad is this? I am the type of person who eats when I'm bored or when I'm happy (or pms-ing). I guess I've been really happy (and bored at times) lately, cuz I've put on about 15 pounds. When I'm depressed, I'm not hungry. So here is my conundrum (did I use that right?)--nowadays, I'm normally depressed when I'm PMS-ing. But when I'm PMS-ing, I crave every junk food I can think of. So I'm screwed.

I used to love scary movies. Even though I wouldn't sleep for a couple weeks after them, I would still watch them over and over again. Now, I can't even watch the commercials for them (not even the ones on the radio). I get way too scared. This has caused me to miss many B-horror movie with hot guys (Ryan Reynolds...Chad Michael Murray...etc) . Stupid fear.

"my back is KILLING me today - i've been sitting really straight all day, and i'm in SO much pain. goddamn boobs." ~my friend, Princess Skipperdee

my IM conversation today with my Bear:
SweetCheeks: i upset dear sweet
SweetCheeks: he wont talk to me
SweetCheeks: stupid hormones
Bear: won't talk to you?
SweetCheeks: he was being WAY too nice
SweetCheeks: and i got irritated
Bear: ...
SweetCheeks: so i yelled at him and told him i wouldn't come over for dinner today with his family
Bear: i don't get why women can't stand men being nice to them
SweetCheeks: sometimes too nice is irritating
SweetCheeks: no offense
SweetCheeks: but after a while u feel like well--he's gonna hate me if he keeps doing all these things for me
SweetCheeks: cuz most probably that's how the woman would feel
Bear: no he won't
Bear: he'll never hate you
SweetCheeks: i work a crazy schedule
SweetCheeks: not crazy
Bear: we WANT to serve you
SweetCheeks: but we don't want u to have to
SweetCheeks: because then u expect that in return
SweetCheeks: and girls r too selfish
Bear: does dear sweet expect it in return?
SweetCheeks: its ok to be nice
SweetCheeks: but not over the top nice where u'e sacrificing what u want EVERYTIME
SweetCheeks: no but i feel like i have to
Bear: i bet i'd get along real well with dear sweet
SweetCheeks: and i'm not that nice of a person
SweetCheeks: probably
Bear: if i know where he's coming from
Bear: and i think he does
Bear: him being nice to you is to make you happy and to make sure you are comfortable
Bear: the only thing he expects in return
Bear: is that when you are happy and comfortable
Bear: you truly enjoy that happiness and comfort
Bear: nothing more nothing less
SweetCheeks: i know but then i feel bad
SweetCheeks: cuz i feel like i'm being spoiled and brat
SweetCheeks: cuz i'm getting what i want
SweetCheeks: but he's not
Bear: this is why the first matrix didn't work
Bear: and they destroyed it and gave us this one
Bear: the 1st one was too perfect, and humanity couldn't deal with it
Bear: like niceness
Bear: don't get angry at niceness
SweetCheeks: i cant help it
Bear: no matter what it is you extrapolate out of it
SweetCheeks: it doesnt make sense to me
Bear: at the end of the day the root cause of it is his love for you

Happy Birrday, girl...

2005-04-20T11:43:00.000-04:00

I'm 25. Turned 25 on Monday. I am quite happy about it. I feel like I am in a more stable place. 24 is so in between. In between college and the rest of your life.

It's like a twenty-tween. It's confusing. It's here and there. It doesn't make sense (like I'm not right now).

Okay--so I don't feel more stable at 25. I feel more confused than ever. I love my birthday. But being 25...what the hell am I doing with my life? This quarter-life crisis stuff sucks.

Okay, so I am getting married (and I love my dear sweet). And that's good step in the growing up direction, ...but I'm afraid the preparation for the next 8 months will drive my soul away (and also my mind since I have to lose about 20 pounds). I have a job...my own company if you will (as I work for my Dad). I don't really particularly like what I do...but that could be because our customers are mean and and don't care...and have no faith. (okay, not all of them...but a good number of them), and don't give us the credit (or money) we deserve. I have great friends...who I never see. I have a home (my parents' home far away from my friends or the things I love to do). Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for every single thing I have in my life. I appreciate it all. I just don't feel like I've done anything productive with my life. I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

I feel...tired.

Another Monday...Bloody Monday...

2005-04-04T13:32:00.000-04:00

Mondays are an abomination (did I use that word in the right context?). I can't handle them. You try to get to bed at a decent hour on Sunday night, but because you haven't exactly been sleeping at a decent hour for the last two nights, your system is all screwed up. And the fact that the clocks "sprang" forward yesterday...I lost another hour of sleep. And, according to my Dad, I'm probably the only person HE knows, who lost two hours in one week. As I was in Europe last week (when their daylights savings hit, and sprang ahead an hour), and was back home here in the U.S. of A. just in time to lose another bloody hour. I lost two hours of my life--just like that! That's how fast time is flying. My theory is, why can't the hours you are at work just speed through, like a VHS on super fast forward. And your weekends and your "relax" time just slow down (VHS on super slow...I think you understand what I'm saying). I am so tired. And the nap on the bus over to work today was just not enough. And it's cold today, whereas I thought it would be SOMEWHAT warmer, so I'm not dressed completely for this weather. I'm wearing my fingerless gloves as I type.

Sick in the city

2005-04-01T13:58:00.000-05:00

I hate being sick. And somehow, I am always sick. I go away for a business trip, and inevitably, no matter where I go, I get sick. From food poisoning to a throat infection...I've gone through it all (more than once). And...it sucks.

Now normally, I'm a very boring human being. I wake up. Catch the bus for work. Work. Go to the gym (that's a new addition to my day). Catch the bus home. Eat dinner. Talk to my dear, sweet fiance. Go to bed. But the days I finally decide to make plans. Go out with friends. DO something different. I'm sick. It's crap.

I actually attempted to go and take a cooking class with my friend, Neesh, yesterday (a great big step for me as I always believed: why cook? all my closest friends are amazing cooks. I'll just do their dishes. Or get take-out. This proved to not work, as dishes suck and take-out can get quite expensive.) I felt like crap the whole time. Coughing here and there. Throat aching. Head spinning. And the bus ride home was unbearable. I had to actually break down and cry. I was THAT miserable.

And can I just say how much this commute sucks? I know people do it everyday. My Dad's been doing it for over 20 years. I can't. The bus is bumpy and there's too many people on it who are too loud or stick their elbows into my side. Driving myself means I have to be alert, and that I have to find a place to park in this "no parking anywhere" city. And there are no trains from my house to work.

The commute also makes being spontaneous a bitch. When my friend, Laur, IMs me and says, "come to Toys-R-Us with me so I can buy some fun games for my slumber party"...and I have to say "no". It hurts. (*note: no, this friend is not a 10 year old. She is my friend who is about to turn...25...and she's having an "Eloise"-inspired party as she does not like the age...25. She, like me, is also trying to pretend that she's not growing up. But I think she's doing a better job of it than I am... **2nd note: If you don't know who Eloise is...I hurt for you. Look up "Eloise at the Plaza" on Amazon, the books section.)

So, tonight, my dear sweet and I had plans to go to Neesh's birthday party downtown. It starts at 11pm at night. How old and sad do you think I felt when I saw that time, and gasped at how late it was? How much sadder do you think I felt when I found out we have another birthday party to go to tomorrow night? I am just old and sad. And my dear sweet who is 5 years older than I, can party all nite long, without blinking an eye (huh...that rhymed...) And the fact that I'm sick--doesn't help. I want to be in my PJ's (the ones with Gumby and Joey (his faithful donkey sidekick) doing Yoga on them), and cuddle next to my dear sweet and watch some rented movies--like Taxi and Closer (the first which I saw in German on the flight back from Paris on Tuesday, and the latter which I have been DYING to see)...with some take out Chinese. Oh, that would be oh so divine. But alas, my dear sweet, bless his heart, was home all weekend last weekend getting over his cold (I was away on business), and now he is getting restless. And we'll have none of that. So we'll go to Neesh's birthday. And then right to the doctor tomorrow morning. Hopefully, I'll feel better (cuz we'll be going shopping after the doctor...oh, and bloody registering for gifts. I don't see why we have to register. Everyone should just give us money.)...Anyway, that's a subject for another blog.

Later skaters...

Sweet Bridezilla

2005-03-31T18:06:00.000-05:00

So...After many months (okay years) of complaining...I have finally found my dream career. Okay, so I don't exactly get paid for it, but I have finally found something I am good at. Writing blogs. Okay--so I don't know what qualifies as good, but, I get to write down my every thought, and...That's it. Like I was telling my friend, Moo, today: "I need a place where I can just write down whatever I'm thinking. Like, 'my tummy hurts today. Maybe I should have had more than just soup.'" SO this is what I'm doing.

The reason why I am looking for a new career is...The one I'm in is causing me to be quite irritable and a bit nutty. I'm going mad people. I'm in the garment biz. And let me tell you--if you're not J Lo or Gwen Stefani--it's not glamorous or glitzy whatsoever. It's a pain in the ass. You're at the mercy of everyone, and nobody cares if you don't make a dime on the order. It's my own company (or that of my family's), and I feel bad ragging on it. They've worked hard for this company...And the rewards have become less and less.

And this coming at a time when...Wait for it...

I've gotten myself engaged. Yes, you heard me. A naysayer of the word "marriage", has become a betrothed woman. But, I'm a very different kind of fiance. I'm not going into marriage thinking it's going to save my life or it's going to make everything sugary sweet and perfect. Marriage is hard work. It's compromise. It's sacrifice. It's learning. It's...a relationship. And relationships have their good points--the romance. The fun. The sharing ur life with someone. But that word "marriage"--it makes everyone all loopy. And I ain't falling for it. I love my fiance (did I just say that aloud?), and we're not going into marriage with all these idealistic views. We're realists. And I think that's important. We're looking forward to learning about each other and living with each other, and seeing where life takes us together (up to sweet Candyland or down to the fiery depths of hell). But, I think we can do it. Why? I'm unbelievably high-strung and he's undeniably laid-back...we complement each other. I push him (as annoying as he finds it) and he brings me back down to Earth...it's a team effort.

I guess my being high strung leads to the type of bride I'll be. I'm what you may call a "Sweet Bridezilla" (hence the title of this blog). I know what I want. And I want it. But eventually, I'll end up backing down to whatever our parents have in mind. Why? Cuz I'm a sucker. And I know how important weddings are to parents. But then my dear, sweet fiance comes right behind me to back me up. If he knows I really don't want something, he'll fight for what I do want--like I said...team effort. But I kind of like the idea of being a "Bridezilla". I'm not generally a "bitchy" type of person (although I can be quite stubborn). But when I got engaged--the first thing I said was--if anybody (i.e. crazy Aunties and Uncles putting their unneeded two-bits in) decides to get on my nerves (all you Indian twentysomethings know what I'm talking about), I will have to use my Bridezilla card and say something very honest that you may not like hearing. And, if I lose my nerve (which tends to happen, cuz, like I said, I'm a sucker), again, my dear, sweet fiance has no qualms about being extremely honest for me. That's his normal way of being. Extremely blunt and honest. He'll say what everyone else is afraid to say. It's really quite refreshing.

Anyway...so there's my first blog. It's quite short, becuz...well, I'm at work, and I really should get back to it. I may add to this later. Or I may just write a new one for a new day. We'll see. And hopefully, these blogs will help me achieve one of my most difficult goals...to be witty. Yes, that's right. I don't think I'm very witty. I see msyelf as a huge dork. I think I used to have wit...but something got lost after college. Or maybe i was just hallucinating all through college. Anyway...let's hope my wit finds me again. I really miss it.